Understanding Childhood Depression
Childhood Depression, What parents need to know
If you are here, you have concerns. Are you noticing your child isn’t being “themselves?” Is your child isolating away from family or friends. Or perhaps they are expressing a disliking of themselves saying they are stupid or no one likes them? Children DO go through depression. But their cues that this is the case are much more subtle. Childhood depression can be difficult to recognize but not hard when you know what signs to look for.
We know you want your child to have the best childhood they can, and also to love themselves! When children struggle with sadness, poor self esteem, and depression they are not living their best lives. Giving space and validity that their emotions are ok to talk about is a major step towards helping them to heal when they are going through depression, sadness, and social stressors such as bullying.
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Depression impacts the whole child
Children who struggle with depression can slowly turn into themselves. This will cause a disconnection from friends, their schooling, and family. Childhood depression can lead to poor sleep and at times over or under eating. If it is left untreated depression during childhood can increase the risk of prolonged, severe depressive episodes in the future and can also lead to towars increased risk of self-injurious behavior. We know that children will potentially struggle socially and academically as well. With help, your child can rebuild their confidence again, returning back to the fun and learning that childhood can give them. This is why it is important to address childhood depression as early as possible.
Recognizing when your child needs help
Every child will occasionally feel sad or hopeless. So how can you tell if your child is depressed or just sad? Children and adolescents who have depression typically experience persistent, intense feelings of sadness and hopelessness that impacts their daily functioning. Early recognition and treatment of depression in children and adolescents can be life-saving. Due to their youth, often children do not have the vocabularly to really express what they are feeling. But as a parent, you can often tell something is quite right.
These are signs that your child could be struggling with depressed feelings:
>Unusual sadness or irritability that persists despite time
>Little to no interest in activities previously enjoyed
>Changes in eating patterns
>Changes in sleep patterns
>Sluggishness and decrease in energy
>Shift in behavior and/or academic performance
>Harsh self-assessment and feelings of worthlessness
>Self-injury or self-destructive behavior
>Thoughts of or attempts at suicide
Can counseling help my child?
The good news is that depression is VERY treatable, but the sooner the better! Having your child begin counseling sets the tone for them seeking emotional health support in their adulthood. Our therapists use several different evidence-based therapies that are shown to be effective in treating depression in children and adolescents, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, and play therapy.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): During CBT, our therapists help children and adolescents understand how their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected. We collaborate with children to set and achieve goals, such as identifying and changing unhelpful thought patterns, and teach them the skills needed to cope with their symptoms.
Interpersonal therapy (IPT): In IPT, our therapists focus on children’s social relationships, which can either maintain their depression or suffer because of it. We teach children proper communication and problem-solving skills, and help them understand how their relationships may affect their mood. IPT can be adapted for adolescents with depression to address romantic relationships and communication with parents and peers. Parents may be asked to participate in these sessions.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT is a helpful therapy for children with more severe depression who might engage in self-harm or experience suicidal thoughts. During DBT, our therapists teach children and adolescents the practice of mindfulness, as well as problem-solving skills, to help them manage distress and difficult situations in a healthy way.
Play Therapy: We believe that children can communicate and express themselves through play. In play therapy, our therapists help children address their depression and cope with their depressive symptoms. We use play to teach children how to communicate, express their feelings, take responsibility for their behavior, problem-solve, relate to others, and develop self-efficacy.
We love working with children!
We know your love for your child and we take this responsibility seriously in growing healthy young people in our communities. We are ready to support your child in being the healthiest version of themselves when they need us.
Source: Child Mind, CDC, & Anxiety & Depresion Association of America
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How to recognize ADHD in children
How to recognize ADHD in Children
ADHD stands for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and is a common neurodevelopmental disorder that often appears in early childhood,
before the age of 7. ADHD is recently being considered neurodivergent because it’s a neurodevelopmental disorder that changes how you think and process information. Scientists believe these differences are due to the unique structure and chemistry of the ADHD brain. ADHD typically involves a combination of inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity, but there are different types of ADHD in which all of these characteristics may not be present. If you are concerned that your child could struggle with this condition, do not fret! Neurological differences are quickly becoming more understood and adaptive teaching approaches are being incorporated to help children with ADHD be successful in their lives.
What are the signs of ADHD in children?
Getting a quality and comprehensive evaluation is critical to accurate dignosis. This will most likely look like getting the feedback not just from parents, but also from school staff. Taken into consideration will be their performance in all environments, age of onset, as well as family history. In diagnosing ADHD in children, the following are symptoms of inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity that a doctor or mental health professional will look for:
Inattention:
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- Difficulty staying focused; gets easily distracted or bored with a task before it is finished
- Does not seem to listen to others when spoken to
- Doesn’t pay attention to details and makes careless mistakes
- Difficulty following directions
- Trouble remembering things
- Poor organizational skills
Impulsivity:
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- Acts without thinking
- Often interrupts others or intrudes on conversations/activities
- Difficulty waiting for his/her turn
- Blurts out answers and guesses instead of taking the time to solve problems
- Inability to keep powerful emotions in check (may result in angry outbursts/tantrums)
Hyperactivity:
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- Excessive fidgeting or squirming
- Talks excessively
- Difficulty sitting still
- Constantly moving, often running or climbing
- Trouble engaging in quiet or relaxing activities
What is the difference between normal behavior and ADHD?
All children can be inattentive, hyperactive, or impulsive at times, so it can be hard to distinguish between typical kid behavior and ADHD. If your child is only exhibiting a few of these symptoms, or they only appear in certain situations, this probably isn’t ADHD. However, if your child appears to be showing many of these signs and they’re present across all situations (i.e. school, home, play), it might be time to consider an evaluation for ADHD. An evaluation can be performed by a psychologist, psychiatrist, and a qualified mental health clinician.
How is ADHD in children treated?
Children with ADHD commonly experience certain challenges, such as difficulty with school, making friends, or managing their behavior. Therefore, it is important to seek the proper treatment. Effective treatments for ADHD include behavior therapy, parent education and training, social skill development, and, often, medication (prescribed by a medical doctor or psychiatrist). Several of our therapists offer support for ADHD in children, visit our clinicians page to explore a therapist that can help you address this issue.
Source(s): mayoclinic.org, hopkinsmedicine.org
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What to know and how to approach childhood ADHD
Parenting a child with ADHD
Many children struggling with childhood ADHD, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, struggle with impulse control. Impulsivity involves reacting to stimuli without thinking. For kids, this might look like blurting out, bolting away, or throwing a temper tantrum. Often, impulsivity can lead to greater challenges for children, such as behavior issues, feelings of shame, or difficulty forming relationships. It is important to remember that the cause of ADHD is neurologically based – it is in the brain and organic. Those children with ADHD are not choosing their behaviors, and are not lazy. When ADHD is not properly managed, impulsivity and its repercussions can follow children into adulthood.
Strategies that work (YES!) with ADHD
The good news is that there are several strategies that are effective in helping children with ADHD learn impulse control, or how to stop and think before acting. Here are some you can try:
Understand your child’s impulses- Know that your child’s impulsive behaviors are not intentional acts of disobedience, but a limited processing reaction. For example, a child does not necessarily want to run in front of a car when they see the ice cream truck. They just know that they want ice cream.
Establish clear behavior expectations- Define the rules. Instead of telling your child to “be good” at school, be explicit about how you expect them to behave. When giving directions or expectations, ask your child to repeat them back to you. This teaches them to listen.
Discipline effectively and consistently- Think of discipline as an opportunity to instruct, rather than to merely punish. Focus on the behavior itself as a problem that can be corrected, instead of making the child think he/she is the problem. Address the behavior as soon as it happens by clearly communicating the negative action and applying consistent consequences.
Praise positive behavior- It’s important to be clear about what your child does right in addition to what they do wrong. Respond with praise when your child exhibits good impulse control, and be consistent. Many children who struggle with impulsivity want to behave and are more likely to do so when they understand what the preferred behavior looks like. Create a reward system, such as a token economy system, which can be a fun way to practice delayed gratification. 
Help your child understand and label their emotions- When children do not understand their emotions or how to properly express them, they are more likely to act impulsively. Teach your child to recognize and label their emotions, so they can tell others how they feel, instead of showing them. Talk about the difference between feelings and behavior (“It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit someone.”)
Model healthy behaviors- Your child can learn a lot about impulse control simply by watching you. Demonstrate patience and delayed gratification. When you address your child’s negative behavior, do so in a calm, collective manner. Avoid impulsive, angry responses. Try to model healthy self-talk by pointing out your own impulse control (“This is a long line, but we have to wait patiently for our turn.”).
Encourage physical activity- Giving your child opportunities when it is appropriate to run, jump, and climb will allow them to be more self-disciplined during times when these behaviors are not appropriate.
Offer fun opportunities to practice impulse control- Games like Simon Says, Red Light Green Light, and Follow the Leader are great ways for your child to practice self-control. Your child should feel like this is for fun and enjoyment, so be careful in your approach. You don’t want them to feel like they are being forced to play.
Encourage creativity in problem solving/suggest alternative behaviors- Help your child understand that there is more than one way to solve a problem and it is important to think through their options before taking action. Practice brainstorming different solutions to problems/alternative behaviors and evaluating these together. For example, if your child is feeling angry, screaming into a pillow or kicking a ball outside are better options than hitting someone.
Work together on emotion regulation strategies- Teach your child to take deep breaths or take a walk around the house if they are feeling overwhelmed by strong emotions. Create a calm down kit that can help them relax on their own or establish a safe space that they can go to calm down.
Helping children with ADHD manage their impulsivity can be a challenging task for parents. Often times it is helpful to have a professional help you to look at your unique situation and work together with you to find an effective plan that fits your family. If you find yourself struggling, reach out to us! We have several therapists that can help support you and your child with specific issues related to ADHD!
Source(s): childmind.org, ct.counseling.org, healthline.com, fastbrain.com, verywellfamily.com
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New School Year, New Worries?
It’s normal for children to experience worries and fears that are typical for their age. We all worry at times. However, when a child’s fears and worries begin to interfere with their daily functioning, it is likely ithat they are experiencing anxiety. Yes, children can have anxiety. In fact, anxiety is one of the most common mental health struggles among children and teenagers. During this time of year, anxiety is especially prevalent in children, as they head back to school and trade the carefreeness of summer for more structure and responsibility. Being aware of childhood anxiety and what it can look like is important for early detection and treatment. In light of this, does this new school year have your child experiencing new worries? What if my child isn’t talking about their feelings? Read on so you can help interpret changes in their routines or behaviors that will help give you clues as to what they may be feeling.
How do I know if my child is experiencing anxiety?
Here are some signs to look out for:
- Consistent worrying that will not go away and does not seem to match what they’re actually experiencing.
- Trouble Sleeping
- Changes in appetite
- Physical symptoms, such as fatigue, headaches, stomach aches, muscle aches, or increased heart rate
- Avoidance of certain situations or things that kids typically enjoy, such as playing with others or going to school
- Difficulty concentrating on schoolwork or other tasks
- Disruptive behavior, angry outbursts, or irritability, which may result from feeling overwhelmed by uncomfortable feelings.
- Clinginess, or difficulty separating from parents or caregivers
- Being too hard on themselves
As previously mentioned, the start of the school year can be especially challenging for children with anxiety. Most kids will experience feelings of nervousness as they transition back to school with a new classroom and teacher. These feelings are typical and will likely go away once the school year gets going and kids adjust. However, for some children, these feelings may continue beyond the first few weeks of school. This is an indicator of anxiety. Children with anxiety will struggle with excessive worry about everyday things. During the school year, these may be things like academic performance, being away from parents and caregivers, or socializing with other students. Excessive worrying about school can begin to interfere with a child’s everyday functioning and well-being.
How can I help my child with school anxiety?
Helping your child deal with school year anxiety requires a supportive and understanding approach. Here are some tips that can make a significant difference:
- Open Communication: Encourage your child to share their feelings about school openly. Create a safe space where they can express their worries and concerns without fear of judgment.
- Validate Emotions: Let your child know that it’s okay to feel anxious or nervous about school. Validate their emotions by acknowledging their feelings and showing empathy.
- Establish a Routine: Predictability can help reduce anxiety. Establish a consistent daily routine for mornings, evenings, and homework. Knowing what to expect can provide a sense of security.
- Encourage Positive Thinking: Teach your child to challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive and realistic ones. Help them focus on their strengths and past successes.
- Set Realistic Goals: Work with your child to set achievable goals for the school year. Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps to reduce overwhelm.
- Practice Relaxation Techniques: Teaching relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, visualization, or mindfulness exercises. These techniques can help calm anxious thoughts and promote relaxation.
- Promote Healthy Habits: Ensure your child gets enough sleep, eats nutritious meals, and engages in physical activity. A healthy body supports a healthy mind and can reduce stress.
- Stay Involved: Stay connected with your child’s school activities and teachers. Being informed can alleviate some of your child’s worries and help you address any concerns promptly.
- Encourage Social Connections: Help your child build friendships and connections with peers. Positive social interactions can boost confidence and reduce feelings of isolation.
In conclusion, if your child’s anxiety persists or significantly impacts their daily life consider seeking guidance from a school counselor or mental health professional. Receiving help from a mental health professional is also a proactive step to help stave off anxiety that can escalate if left untreated. Cognitive behavioral therapy and play therapy are effective ways for your child to learn how to cope with their anxiety in healthy ways and are steps your therapist will take to support your child to learn about their emotions and how to cope with them. We offer both of these options at Miracles Counseling Centers. We will help your child manage anxiety once the school year is underway. Call us at 704-664-1009 or contact us here.
Source(s): cdc.gov, childmind.org, health.harvard.edu, hopkinsmedicine.org
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Why is Depression so hard to recognize?
According to Gallup, 29% of American adults have been diagnosed with depression in their lifetime (up 8% since 2018). Depression has likely been present in humans since the beginning, however the prevalence of depression has been on the rise in recent history likely due to destigmatization, the emergence of new studies, and increased access to resources such as therapy and other mental health providers. Although the numbers surrounding depression have become more clear, there is still a large population of people that are experiencing depressive symptoms that are unaware that depression is what they are experiencing due to its deceptive nature. This is why depression is so hard to recognize.
But we all get sad sometimes, right?
One of the most deceptive aspects of depression is its talent for manifesting as seemingly ordinary emotions or experiences. It is normal to have feelings of sadness, fatigue, disinterest, and overall lack of enjoyment in things that you previously did. It is easy to dismiss them as fleeting moods or momentary setbacks. However, if you are noticing these emotions persist for an extended period and begin to interfere with your daily life, they may be indicative of a deeper issue. Because of the long term persistance of these symptoms, it is easy to not realize the depth of impact they are holding over you.
Additionally, despite significant strides in mental health awareness, stigma is still a present force that holds people back from opening up discussions about their mental health.. Many individuals hesitate to acknowledge their struggles due to fear of judgment or perceived weakness. This reluctance to confront the issue head-on can perpetuate a cycle of denial, making it even harder to seek help. Realizations in life are often found in conversations with others, and stigma makes it difficult for some to initiate conversations surrounding mental health.
The Mask of Emotional Numbness
Depression has a way of numbing the senses, dulling the ability to experience emotions fully. This emotional numbness can make it challenging to recognize and articulate feelings of despair or hopelessness, as the capacity for self-awareness becomes clouded by a sense of apathy.
Depression Coping Mechanisms
In an attempt to cope with internal turmoil, you could be grappling with depression in order to develop coping mechanisms that serve as protective shields. Whether it’s putting on a brave face in social situations or burying oneself in work to distract from inner turmoil, these coping strategies can create an illusion of normalcy, further obscuring the reality of depression and preventing those around them from noticing changes in appearance or behavior.
Furthermore, societal and cultural norms and expectations have significantly impacted our awareness of how depression is experienced. Men are often taught as young boys not to cry otherwise they are being “babies” or are weak. In East Asian cultures, depression is experienced in more somatic presentation such as body aches or fatigue, while in Latin American cultures depression might be expressed through symptoms of “nervios” (nervousness) or “ataques de nervios” (attacks of nerves), which include a mix of emotional and physical symptoms such as trembling, crying, and chest pain. How we learn and identify depression varies from family to family, and culture to culture.
The Vicious Cycle of Self-Doubt
Depression often breeds self-doubt, whispering mistruths about one’s worth and capabilities. This internal dialogue can distort perceptions of reality, leading individuals to question the validity of their emotions and downplay the severity of their struggles to both themselves and others. In the absence of external validation and opinion, it becomes increasingly difficult to trust one’s own judgment and acknowledge the presence of depression.
Depression Varies Based on Age
Identifying child and adolescent depression is difficult because the symptoms vary from those in adults. Unlike the classically depressed adult, who reports low energy sadness, and hypersomnia or insomnia, a depressed adolescent is more likely to manifest a decreased interest in formerly pleasurable activities and irritability A practitioner looking for the lethargic, weepy, and expressively depressed patient may be misled by the irritable adolescent.
Self-destructiveness is also a classic marker for depression in youth. Many studies have found that psychiatric disorders in adolescents, especially major depression, make high-risk sexual behaviors and substance abuse more likely.
The Importance of Seeking Support
You can break free from the grip of depression beginning with acknowledging its presence and reaching out for support. Whether through therapy, medication, or the support of loved ones, there are various avenues for healing and recovery. However, this journey can only commence once the veil of denial is lifted and the truth of one’s condition is confronted with courage and honesty.
In conclusion, the confusing aspects of depression lie in its ability to hide itself, making it hard for individuals to recognize the signs within themselves. By shedding light on this phenomenon and fostering open dialogue about mental health, we can work towards dismantling the barriers that prevent people from seeking the help they need. Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope and support available to guide you through difficult times towards a brighter tomorrow.
Therapists at Miracles Counseling Centers are very skilled in helping you to recover from depression. Please reach out to us to set up an appointment if you need guidance and support in this process.
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Adults Setting Boundaries with Parents: A Guide
When you are in the sandwich generation phase of life – an adult with children and aging parents of your own – you are feeling pulled in every direction. In this situation, you could be assisting your parents manage their finances while simultaneously helping your children deal with middle to high school social stressors. An adult in this situation has numerous responsibilities and can feel hectic and out of control of their own lives.Many do the best they can to keep up with the expecations of others. But others fall into a pattern of giving to the point they emotionally break. This is when adults need to set boundaries with their own parents.
This is all an act of love and responsibility for the family in your life. We know that to be true, but it becomes overwhelming. Eventually, it causes a loss of your own sense of a self. You too are a person with wants and needs and finding time for you is still important and valid. The emotional strain of this is magnified when a parent has had emotional health issues of their own, are enmeshed into their adult children’s lives, or are finding difficulties in their own aging process. This is a major reason why adults need to set boundaries with their parents.
While it can be hard at first, setting healthy boundaries with your parents is important and can be done! Once an adult begins to hold boundaries and has communication that is filled with respect and compassion, family relationships become closer and more connected. Below are simple approaches to helping you rebuild and maintain those boundaries so you can find time for yourself again, and some calm and control in this phase of life.
Here are some thoughts on navigating this delicate balance in creating boundaries with your adult parents:
- Communicate openly and respectfully: Express your boundaries clearly but compassionately. Be exact in your language so there is no misunderstanding of what you expect. Let your parents know what you need while acknowledging their feelings and perspectives.
- Set clear limits: Identify specific behaviors or topics that make you uncomfortable and communicate your limits firmly. These specific incidences will help you to request and measure clear change over time. Be consistent in enforcing these boundaries. Tell your parent(s) know how you will respond if the limit is not respected.
- Recognize your own needs: Affirming your emotional and practical needs first is key! Understand that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and assert your boundaries when necessary. Your needs are valid, even if they may differ from your parents’ expectations. Respectful communication creates space for both your needs and that of your parents.
- Be assertive, not aggressive: Asserting boundaries doesn’t mean being confrontational or disrespectful. Maintain a calm and assertive demeanor when communicating your needs to avoid escalating conflicts. Remember, love is a language too!
- Practice self-care: Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Setting boundaries with parents can be emotionally draining, so make sure to prioritize self-care activities that recharge you.
- Seek support if needed: Ask for help if you find any of these steps intimidating. If you’re struggling to establish or maintain boundaries with your parents, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and help you navigate complex family dynamics.
- Be flexible: Recognize that boundaries may need to evolve over time as circumstances change. Asserting your boundaries is just the beginning of change. It does take time. Stay open to renegotiating boundaries as necessary while staying true to your needs and values.
Remember, setting boundaries with adult parents is about creating healthier and more respectful relationships, not about distancing yourself from them. By establishing clear boundaries, you’re fostering mutual respect and understanding within your family dynamic. If you need help preparing how to set these boundaries with your parents, please contact one of our clinicians who can help you get started!
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How to manage a setback in healing your trauma
Many of our therapists are trauma treatment specialists, and one thing that is often seen by them are set backs in the healing process from trauma. Whether it stems from a recent personal crisis or upheaval of one’s life routine, these things can feel like your entire world is falling apart again. What is critical is to remember that setbacks are normal and can actually be a part of the healing experience. When giving yourself a little grace and continued hopeful effort, you will see yourself finding yourself on the healing journey again.
How to manage a setback in healing trauma?
- Allow yourself to feel it.
In any setback of life, it is important to feel and acknowledge the emotions that come with it. Disappointment, shame, anger, and confusion are common emotions to have when you find yourself falling backwards from progress. While some of the emotional experiences you may be having are similar to what you went through in the past, they may provide you with useful information on what areas of yourself may need further attention. Give yourself some grace in having these emotions, and share your observations with your therapist.
- Reflect & Begin Again
Spending time reflecting to understanding how the circumstances of this event may help you to recognize patterns or poor boundaries that you may need to examine and reset your life. Try being curious and open to observing the situation without preexisting assumptions or judgements so you can gain these insights. This new level of self awareness can be powerful and jumpstart your again on a healthy, healing path.
- Connect with Supports
Healing from a trauma requires support in all forms. Friends, family, or professional counselors give you the opportunity to receive comfort and validation in your healing journey. Sharing your struggles and seeking support is a strength, not a weakness. Speaking with these confidants can provide you with new awareness, compassion, and encouragement during a difficult time.
- Decide on changes for a better future
In this setback, you may find out learning new coping skills is just what you need to manage similar situations in the future. Perhaps being more consistent in your mindfulness practices is exactly what you need, or letting go of unhealthy, toxic people in your life will give you future safety. This setback can reinvigorate your commitment to your wellness practices, and boundaries in your life!
- A time for Self-Compassion & Recognition
In this moment, it is important to practice self compassion and frame your inner voice in a compassionate, encouraging way. It is normal to struggle at times in life and your inner voice should not be shaming or criticizing yourself right now. Recognize the gains you have made in your life up to this point. This will help you to foster a positive growth mindset and continue to acknowledge to yourself that healing is an ongoing process with its own sets of ups and down.
The healing journey can be a winding road of ups and downs, but with supportive outlets and commitment to healing you will find your way beyond the past and into your future. Continue the journey with one of our skilled clinicians, you can find a well matching therapist for you by visiting our clinicians page.
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Infertility, Addressing the Grief
If you have ever experienced infertility or the loss of a child by miscarriage, then you are probably all too familiar with the roller coaster of emotions that often accompanies this type of loss. Although it may go unmentioned or unnoticed by others, the pain and grief of infertility (both primary and secondary) can be excruciating for those going through it. In fact, one of the things that can make this journey so painful is the shame and secrecy people often attach to it. This shame may be a result of one’s own ideas of what it means to be fertile, as well as influenced by their familial and cultural expectations about reproducing. While a variety of options now exist for creating families, the path to these options for many parents may be long, emotionally tiring, physically draining, and financially taxing.
The Emotional Toll of Infertility
In my experience, it matters little whether infertility is explained or unexplained—it carries heartache nonetheless. Most couples report that they assumed they would be able to get pregnant easily and unless they have some pre-existing condition that directly impacts their ability to get pregnant, it comes as a blow to find out the process may not be so easy after all. Some couples discuss adoption during courtship and others quickly jump to this option (or others) upon hearing they cannot conceive without intervention. Many others, however, struggle with accepting their infertility. Even if they do go on to have children, the loss of a child by miscarriage or years of struggling with infertility can leave a mark.
One thing that is important to recognize when dealing with infertility is the grief involved. I have worked with couples that were so focused on growing their family that they forgot to take time to grieve along the way. In the case of adoption, this can be particularly concerning because unresolved grief can inhibit a parent’s ability to bond with an adopted child. When couples have a mix of biological and adopted children, for instance, there can also be a difference in how each is treated based upon how they joined the family. Unfortunately, children quickly pick up on these differences and adoptees often feel unwanted or less loved as a result. Unresolved grief related to infertility can have wide reaching implications.
How to Address the Grief of Infertility
One adoptive mother I worked with likened her grief process to a picture she might keep on the night stand, explaining that the picture, like grief, never goes away; however, as time goes by, the picture might be moved to another position on the night stand and no longer kept at front and center. Her grief, due to years of infertility and unsuccessful invitro treatments, healed over time as she addressed the loss and what it meant for her as a woman not to be able to conceive and carry a biological child. With time, she shared, the grief took a back row to the other pictures on her night stand. I also worked with an adoptive father who had Hodgkin’s Disease as a teenager, the treatment of which left him sterile. While he always knew he would not be able to conceive a child, it was not until he was married that the emotions of this loss really hit him. In therapy, he confronted what it meant for him to be a virile man and his shame over “letting his wife down,” which was not how she felt at all, by the way. One man I worked with was happily married with several children, yet he had never grieved the baby he and his high school girlfriend lost because of a spontaneous abortion. He finally reached a certain point in his adult life where he could no longer ignore the impact this loss had on him. Even though he recognized that raising a baby at 16 would have had certain challenges, he grieved the loss of what might have been and how it led to the eventual break-up with his first love. Through the course of therapy, he even realized how this loss was also impacting his current intimate relationship with his wife. Together, we were able to work through these varying elements of grief and the client was able to stop blaming himself for what happened and finally feel peace. In many situations, I have helped couples sit with their sadness and acknowledge their conflicting emotions, as well as identify possible alternatives for growing a family in the future.
How to Provide Support if You Are a Friend or Family Member
If you are in a relationship with someone who is struggling with the grief of infertility or have a close family member or friend who is struggling with this, there are some things you can do to be supportive:
1. Listen. Don’t offer platitudes, things like “You’ll get pregnant. Just stop trying so hard. Don’t worry, it will happen with time.” Clients report that while these statements may be well meaning, they are not helpful and often feel dismissive.
2. Don’t offer advice. Instead, ask what would be helpful and how they need you to show up at this time.
3. Refrain from comparing your experience (or that of your sister, mother, cousin, co-worker) to theirs. Everyone experiences infertility very uniquely and it is so deeply personal, which again makes comparing feel very dismissive.
4. Remember your loved one. Send a simple text or card letting them know you are thinking of/praying for them. Let them know they are not forgotten and that you are there for them.
5. Finally, if you notice your loved one is becoming anxious or depressed because of their loss and grief, kindly ask if they have considered talking to someone. Finding a professional who is experienced with grief, infertility, adoption, and other related topics can be extremely validating and healing.
Sarah Groff, LCMHCS has over 22 years of experience in the mental health field, many of which have specifically focused on adoption, infertility, and working with the entire adoption triad, as well as assisting women with making a parallel plan for adoption and parenting. If you or someone you know may benefit from counseling to focus on one of these areas, please submit a request to speak with someone at one of our offices.
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Learning to Identify Your Emotions: A Path to Emotional Recovery
Oftentimes in my work with clients, it becomes apparent that someone does not possess adequate language for their emotions. Sometimes this is the result of growing up in a home where emotions functioned more as skeletons in the closet or as dust under the rug. Other times it develops from painful lessons in emotional danger, where vulnerability came at a cost and emotions were minimized, ridiculed, or even used as fodder for abuse. There is also a category of individuals whose emotional maturity is lacking because they bought into the cultural idea that expressing emotion is the equivalent of being a drama queen (or king) and they work hard to curate their emotions into socially acceptable displays. In each of these instances, the capacity for appropriate and healthy emotional expression is limited and for many individuals, the thought of anything else can be very intimidating.
Beginning the Path to Emotional Recovery
Before I can teach a client language for their emotions, we must first address where their conceptualization of emotions comes from and how this shapes their current comfort level with emotional expression. For example, if a client grew up with a parent whose expression of anger was generally one that was out of control, loud, full of profanity, demeaning, scary, and so forth, then allowing him/herself to feel and express anger as an adult can be extremely challenging. These individuals often perceive other people’s anger as being unsafe, as well, and project their past experiences of anger onto whatever relationship they find themselves in. While anger can certainly be expressed inappropriately, it also points to something important: It shows us what we care about. In fact, there are times when anger is appropriate and needs to be expressed before a client can move forward in their healing process. Creating a safe space for clients to explore their anger and learn that it can be expressed in a healthy, safe way is a primary goal of therapy for these individuals. As with many emotions, the crime is not in feeling anger, but monitoring how it is expressed is essential. Addressing these associations of emotion is critical to the recovery process.
Developing a Language for Your Emotions
Once a client better understands where and how his/her emotional literacy was shaped, they can begin to learn the language for their emotions. Without language to describe what we are feeling, it is very difficult to take ownership of these emotions, to process them, and to learn healthier ways of emotional regulation and expression. It is also difficult to understand why we are feeling a certain way if we do not possess the words to describe these feelings. Additionally, a lack of emotional language inhibits our ability to form meaningful connection and intimacy with others. With children and youth who are struggling to identify their emotions, I often show them the emojis on my phone and ask them to point to one that best describes how they feel. I then ask them to describe what that picture communicates to them and from there we can have a conversation about what is going on inside.
A wonderful resource for older teens and adults is Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brené Brown (2021). I like to use this book as a resource, an emotions encyclopedia, if you will. Brown has done a phenomenal job of categorizing emotions into families and helping us to better understand which emotions are connected and how, as well as teaching us more specific language for describing what we feel. For instance, did you know that resentment is part of the envy family? Did you also know it is possible (and very normal) to feel multiple emotions at once, even if they seem to be conflicting? Several years ago, I worked with a client who told me each session that she was exhausted. While this statement was not untrue (she carried the emotional and physical exhaustion of years of trauma and untreated OCD), I began to challenge her to explore this feeling further, suggesting that she might be feeling something other than exhaustion. As our work unfolded, she learned a whole variety of words to describe more accurately what she was feeling, which, in turn, allowed us to focus on the root of those feelings and achieve greater recovery and healing.
Embracing the Role and Importance of Emotional Experiences
When a client has a better understanding of their emotional development, as well as language to describe what they are feeling, I then help them to understand the role of emotions. At this point in therapy, we work on developing a certain comfort level with these emotions, which includes not judging but normalizing them. I often tell clients that emotions are one of the few equalizers in humanity—no one is exempt from having them and we cannot pretend that we are above feeling certain emotions that seem taboo or bad. In fact, there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” emotion—they simply are. They are not meant to define us nor to guide our decisions, but to be felt. In therapy, we also practice ways of expressing emotion and releasing them in ways that are safe, healthy, respectful of other people’s boundaries, and provide resolution over time.
If you, a child, or partner is struggling with emotional expression or you find yourself stunted and afraid of letting out your feelings, you may benefit from doing some emotions work with a therapist. While it may seem daunting at first, keep in mind that learning any new skill can be uncomfortable in the beginning. However, with time and appropriate therapeutic support, you can grow this muscle and learn to be present with your emotions, as well as to hold space for others’ emotions.
Sarah Groff, LCMHC has over 22 years of experience in the mental health field, many of which have specifically focused on adoption, infertility, and working with the entire adoption triad, as well as assisting women with making a parallel plan for adoption and parenting.
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Signs your relationship is drifting into a parental or sibling dynamic
As relationships become established and move into the category of being ‘long term’ we all justifiably become comfortable. That’s the goal, right? We want to feel safe to be ourselves with the person who is our partner in life. So, it is also reasonable that our relationships fall into routine patterns together. Those patterns can feel comfortable which is great. But in some situations, this causes us to inadvertently lose intimacy, healthy communication and respect, and the connection that a healthy relationship requires. Are you concerned that your relationship has fallen into a parental or sibling dynamic? Let’s look at the indicators that this could be happening to you.
Is it the parental dynamic?
- One partner tends to be the decision maker. They are the one who steers the ship and sometimes can do that through communication that nags, prods, controls, dictates or scolds.
- You are the planner and organizer of your partner’s life. Does one of you feel the need to repeatedly remind your partner of an appointment? Do you tend to schedule your partners medical appointments?
- A partner has committed to changing the other partner to help them be better. You may have the sense that you can help them to lose weight, control their anger, and be more financially responsible. You have emotional ownership of this change need.
- Your relationship has turned into competitiveness, one-up-manship, and bickering you tend to not share as much in common as you formerly did.
Is it the sibling dynamic?
- Your partner leans entirely on you for their emotional support and needs. You are possibly their only friend who they share anything with.
- One partner may need to use strategies of bribes, convincing, or chastising to obtain follow through by the other for needs in the home or the joint responsibilities of the relationship.
- It feels as if without you, your partner would not be able to maintain their own independence or autonomy to keep their lives in order and be successful.
- Feelings of resentment and exhaustion are experienced due to the burden of the relationship. You no longer feel a balance of responsibilities or needs are being met.
We all deserve to have fulfilling, satisfying relationships that allow us to be the best version of ourselves. Not just noticing these unhealthy patterns but working on changing them is important to achieve the goal of have an emotionally connected dynamic that helps you both to thrive. You both deserve this, and we are happy to help you work towards achieving this goal! Visit our therapists page to further address this concern with a qualified clinician.
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