The obstacles to changing your life to know

Overcoming the Obstacles to Change

We are excited to share this latest article written by Sarah Groff, LCMHC on the obstacles to change, and the elements of life that can help you truly initiate a new beginning for you. Sarah has been a team member of Miracles Counseling Centers for the past 3 years and is highly skilled in counseling addressing relational attachment needs of families and couples, and also works with late adolescents through adulthood on issues relating to trauma, depression and anxiety concerns, and empowering clients to live fully in an intentional life.

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I think it goes without saying that most people seek out therapy in hopes of accomplishing some level of change in their lives. Whether it’s navigating a serious mental health issue, a life transition, or a relationship or career stressor, therapy is often the avenue for identifying effective steps for change. Why then, can it be so difficult to enact and maintain?

Understanding the ways in which change actually takes root and becomes sustainable over the long term is just as important as learning to love oneself and develop healthy coping mechanisms. One of the most common themes I see in dealing with clients is the desire for movement in a particular area combined with an overwhelming feeling that such movement (or transformation) will remain forever elusive. While I would normalize these conflicting emotions, I would also argue that change does not have to feel like a never-ending game of cat-and-mouse. This article will briefly identify some common reasons why we tend to resist change, as well as steps to take in achieving it.

To begin with, a resistance to change is often a reflection of one’s lack of confidence, life experience, modeling, or fear of failure based upon past attempts. When I begin to probe into a client’s past efforts at change, it is not uncommon to discover that he or she either lacks practice or has been “shot down” so many times throughout their life that they no longer believe they are capable of change. All too often, society assumes that people who so “obviously” need to change and don’t, are just lazy. I realize that may be true in some cases, but more often than not, I believe clients lack skill, confidence, experience, and an advocate. Not only can a therapist help to identify the root of a client’s resistance, but they can also be a positive voice to encourage a client that he or she truly is capable of effecting the change(s) they so need and desire.

Another important factor to keep in mind is that we often mistake change for a television makeover. In other words, we expect it to be quick, tidy, glamorous, and relatively painless. If that is your expectation, then I venture to say you may be disappointed. By its very nature, change is undoing something that was and transforming it into something new, therefore some level of discomfort is to be expected. I believe this is a second reason why change sometimes doesn’t take root, despite the best of intentions. If clients can get past the resistance stage, they may become discouraged when the work becomes hard. For example, clients may feel at a loss when experiencing emotions for the first time or when their faulty patterns of thinking and behaving are being challenged. Without even knowing it, a client may sabotage their own therapeutic process because they misunderstand discomfort for failure. When I see this occurring, I remind my clients that if they will believe in the process and develop some tolerance for the discomfort that positive change creates, then their emotional/mental “muscle” will be strengthened and will continue to grow with each step or improvement made.

The pace and timing of change are equally important to acknowledge in this discussion. When it comes to changing one’s thoughts and behaviors, not only is it work that takes time, but it also requires attention to pace. In other words, it can’t be too fast or too slow. If change moves too quickly, the roots are shallow and if it moves too slowly, clients often lose motivation. You can liken this process to baking cookies. If you don’t include enough baking soda, for instance, then the cookies fall flat. By contrast, if you add too much then the whole batch tastes sour. Skip a step, eliminate an ingredient, or alter the time and temperature, and the result will probably be disappointing. When it comes to one’s mental and emotional health, the same principle applies. Remember, the goal is genuine change that lasts, so paying attention to pace and timing are critical.

One of the most helpful tools in creating much wanted/needed change is to identify small steps to support that goal and then tackle one step at a time. Clients often admit to feeling overwhelmed about all of the changes they believe are necessary, but when you break it down to one area of focus at a time it is much more manageable (and sustainable). For some individuals, the first step towards a healthier, more balanced life may be to engage in some form of self-care or to go on a social media “diet.” For others, it may be setting their alarm to get up 20 minutes earlier every day so that they can practice some sort of mindfulness like journaling, praying, meditating, vocalizing affirmations, or making a plan for the day. Once that step is put into place and has become a part of the client’s routine, then it is time to add a second step. This strategy is often referred to as “habit stacking” and is proven to be highly effective for change.

As another year gets under way, you may have already been contemplating changes you would like to make in your life. Perhaps your finances need overhauling or you need to learn new parenting strategies. Maybe you lost your job because of COVID or you are struggling with an unfulfilling marriage. You might be the client who has fought depression off and on for years or who questions their value and identity. Whatever your struggle and regardless of how many times you’ve tried to turn things around, remember that it is never too late to change and it is absolutely okay to ask for help. Talking to a therapist may be just the thing you need at this time to provide prospective and reassurance that the changes you desire really are within reach.

If you would like to additional counseling support with Sarah on your life, please reach out to us on our contact us page to schedule a time to create change in your life.

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Ditch the Resolution – Start 2022 with a Life Audit!

Resolutions are a thing of the past. No one keeps them, and we talk about them as if they are motivating but really they are a wasted effort if we are not fully taking stock of our entire selves. When we assess what changes we actually need to make, we are able to make the most out of efforts to increase our overall life happiness. Today we want to suggest an alternative…. completing your own life audit. Essentially what a life audit does is to help you take stock of where you currently stand in self-fulfillment in multiple areas of your life. This audit will explore multiple areas of your life and help you to determine improvements and changes each one of those areas can benefit from. A life audit is a great reflective exercise that helps you to see where you are doing well in life and acknowledging that.

Where do I start?

When you are ready to complete your own life audit, I would recommend breaking your life down into categories or segments of living. Your breakdown could take the form of a wheel such as this:

Other layouts can include columns, a box design, or just free writing! Remember, this is YOUR audit, so you can make it as simple or complex as you would like! Once you have your design, we want to begin by labeling the primary areas of your life. Below are a few example categories that you can use to get started:

Primary Categories

1. Physical Health
2. Emotional Health
3. Spiritual Health
4. Occupational Health
5. Community/Social Health
6. Financial Health
7. Recreational Health

Once you’ve chosen your categories, now is the time for self reflection. Beginning one section at a time, what are your initial thoughts? What are doing well in that area, and what goals do you still have? Put any and everything down about that category you can think of. It can also be helpful to decide how to quantify your level of satisfaction. Some people use a numerical scale, or even an alpha grading system (A, A-, B, B+, etc). If you find yourself struggling with how to determine your satisfaction in these categories, consider asking yourself the following:

• How is my Physical Strength, mobility, and energy in life?
• Job Satisfaction – does it match your personal values, do you feel challenged?
• Career Progress – are you where you believed you would be in your career at this stage in life?
• Net Worth – do I spend or save in the way I should? Should I be planning for a major life event such as retirement or a child going to college?
• Financial Knowledge – Do I understand my financial needs, now and in the future?
• Do I have the relationships with my family that I want?
• Am I committing enough time to friendships, or building friendships that I need?
• Do I have a connection with my community? Do you have an interest in giving back?
• How is my love life? Do I have a relationship with my partner that is enjoy?
• Is my Self-Image healthy and realistic? Do I appreciate myself and have a motivating internal narrative with myself?
• Are you participating as often as you would like in your faith?
• Habits, Fun & Leisure – What is there to add, take away, or change?
• Personal Growth – As you walk through your life, what more do you still want to learn, do, or experience?

Ok, So How did I do?

This is designed to be a simple exercise, but there are a few things to keep in mind:

Be honest

This is the time to get real with yourself! Do not let yourself sugar coat or minimize your patterns, or real issues that need to be addressed. Same for allowing yourself to gloat when it is deserved. If you are especially accomplished in an area of your life compliment yourself on that!

Take your time

This is such a great opportunity to dive deep into your life, so take your time with this. After writing, set it down for a period, then come back to it later. You may find that you have new reflections to add in.

Be prepared

With this honesty can come heightened emotions. Let’s stay aware, that emotions cannot hurt you but they are purposeful in the way that motivate and provide feedback that change is necessary!

Completed! Now what?

Now you have the information about yourself. Some of it is filled with praise and accomplishments, but other parts are acknowledgements of needs to be addressed. This last step is going to help you to engage yourself intentionally for 2022

Action Statements

Let’s take ACTION! Taking you next moments to identify what you can do is your next step. However, there is a really important small step to take first. There are parts of our emotional unhappiness that we cannot change and you will have to be on the lookout for that. For example, a chronic health problem is most likely identified as a negative in a category. Since you are unable to change that, you will have to examine what elements of it you do have control over, such as an exercise regime or diet change which helps to alleviate some of your symptoms. Seeing elements of what we CAN do is an important process in this step. Once you understand this we can now formulate your action statements. Using concrete language which includes the what, where, when and who we write down specific steps to change. This helps you to form achievable and most importantly workable goals that actually give you specific steps to make lasting improvements on that category of your life.

Take the next step

Just get started! Choose the category that you feel most motivated to see a change in and begin with follow through with that action statement. You will notice an increase in overall happiness soon. To help yourself stay accountable, make a note on your calendar to check in on your progress quarterly throughout the year or speak with a therapist to see what is holding you back from attaining your goals.  Those reviews are not meant to be opportunities to criticize what you haven’t done yet, but are chances to reinvigorate your intention for yourself for the year and to start again!

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