Infertility, Addressing the Grief

If you have ever experienced infertility or the loss of a child by miscarriage, then you are probably all too familiar with the roller coaster of emotions that often accompanies this type of loss. Although it may go unmentioned or unnoticed by others, the pain and grief of infertility (both primary and secondary) can be excruciating for those going through it. In fact, one of the things that can make this journey so painful is the shame and secrecy people often attach to it. This shame may be a result of one’s own ideas of what it means to be fertile, as well as influenced by their familial and cultural expectations about reproducing. While a variety of options now exist for creating families, the path to these options for many parents may be long, emotionally tiring, physically draining, and financially taxing.

The Emotional Toll of Infertility

In my experience, it matters little whether infertility is explained or unexplained—it carries heartache nonetheless. Most couples report that they assumed they would be able to get pregnant easily and unless they have some pre-existing condition that directly impacts their ability to get pregnant, it comes as a blow to find out the process may not be so easy after all. Some couples discuss adoption during courtship and others quickly jump to this option (or others) upon hearing they cannot conceive without intervention. Many others, however, struggle with accepting their infertility. Even if they do go on to have children, the loss of a child by miscarriage or years of struggling with infertility can leave a mark.

One thing that is important to recognize when dealing with infertility is the grief involved. I have worked with couples that were so focused on growing their family that they forgot to take time to grieve along the way. In the case of adoption, this can be particularly concerning because unresolved grief can inhibit a parent’s ability to bond with an adopted child. When couples have a mix of biological and adopted children, for instance, there can also be a difference in how each is treated based upon how they joined the family. Unfortunately, children quickly pick up on these differences and adoptees often feel unwanted or less loved as a result. Unresolved grief related to infertility can have wide reaching implications.

How to Address the Grief of Infertility

One adoptive mother I worked with likened her grief process to a picture she might keep on the night stand, explaining that the picture, like grief, never goes away; however, as time goes by, the picture might be moved to another position on the night stand and no longer kept at front and center. Her grief, due to years of infertility and unsuccessful invitro treatments, healed over time as she addressed the loss and what it meant for her as a woman not to be able to conceive and carry a biological child. With time, she shared, the grief took a back row to the other pictures on her night stand. I also worked with an adoptive father who had Hodgkin’s Disease as a teenager, the treatment of which left him sterile. While he always knew he would not be able to conceive a child, it was not until he was married that the emotions of this loss really hit him. In therapy, he confronted what it meant for him to be a virile man and his shame over “letting his wife down,” which was not how she felt at all, by the way. One man I worked with was happily married with several children, yet he had never grieved the baby he and his high school girlfriend lost because of a spontaneous abortion. He finally reached a certain point in his adult life where he could no longer ignore the impact this loss had on him. Even though he recognized that raising a baby at 16 would have had certain challenges, he grieved the loss of what might have been and how it led to the eventual break-up with his first love. Through the course of therapy, he even realized how this loss was also impacting his current intimate relationship with his wife. Together, we were able to work through these varying elements of grief and the client was able to stop blaming himself for what happened and finally feel peace. In many situations, I have helped couples sit with their sadness and acknowledge their conflicting emotions, as well as identify possible alternatives for growing a family in the future.

How to Provide Support if You Are a Friend or Family Member

If you are in a relationship with someone who is struggling with the grief of infertility or have a close family member or friend who is struggling with this, there are some things you can do to be supportive:

1. Listen. Don’t offer platitudes, things like “You’ll get pregnant. Just stop trying so hard. Don’t worry, it will happen with time.” Clients report that while these statements may be well meaning, they are not helpful and often feel dismissive.

2. Don’t offer advice. Instead, ask what would be helpful and how they need you to show up at this time.

3. Refrain from comparing your experience (or that of your sister, mother, cousin, co-worker) to theirs. Everyone experiences infertility very uniquely and it is so deeply personal, which again makes comparing feel very dismissive.

4. Remember your loved one. Send a simple text or card letting them know you are thinking of/praying for them. Let them know they are not forgotten and that you are there for them.

5. Finally, if you notice your loved one is becoming anxious or depressed because of their loss and grief, kindly ask if they have considered talking to someone. Finding a professional who is experienced with grief, infertility, adoption, and other related topics can be extremely validating and healing.

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Sarah Groff, LCMHCS has over 22 years of experience in the mental health field, many of which have specifically focused on adoption, infertility, and working with the entire adoption triad, as well as assisting women with making a parallel plan for adoption and parenting. If you or someone you know may benefit from counseling to focus on one of these areas, please submit a request to speak with someone at one of our offices.