Signs your relationship is drifting into a parental or sibling dynamic
As relationships become established and move into the category of being ‘long term’ we all justifiably become comfortable. That’s the goal, right? We want to feel safe to be ourselves with the person who is our partner in life. So, it is also reasonable that our relationships fall into routine patterns together. Those patterns can feel comfortable which is great. But in some situations, this causes us to inadvertently lose intimacy, healthy communication and respect, and the connection that a healthy relationship requires. Are you concerned that your relationship has fallen into a parental or sibling dynamic? Let’s look at the indicators that this could be happening to you.
Is it the parental dynamic?
- One partner tends to be the decision maker. They are the one who steers the ship and sometimes can do that through communication that nags, prods, controls, dictates or scolds.
- You are the planner and organizer of your partner’s life. Does one of you feel the need to repeatedly remind your partner of an appointment? Do you tend to schedule your partners medical appointments?
- A partner has committed to changing the other partner to help them be better. You may have the sense that you can help them to lose weight, control their anger, and be more financially responsible. You have emotional ownership of this change need.
- Your relationship has turned into competitiveness, one-up-manship, and bickering you tend to not share as much in common as you formerly did.
Is it the sibling dynamic?
- Your partner leans entirely on you for their emotional support and needs. You are possibly their only friend who they share anything with.
- One partner may need to use strategies of bribes, convincing, or chastising to obtain follow through by the other for needs in the home or the joint responsibilities of the relationship.
- It feels as if without you, your partner would not be able to maintain their own independence or autonomy to keep their lives in order and be successful.
- Feelings of resentment and exhaustion are experienced due to the burden of the relationship. You no longer feel a balance of responsibilities or needs are being met.
We all deserve to have fulfilling, satisfying relationships that allow us to be the best version of ourselves. Not just noticing these unhealthy patterns but working on changing them is important to achieve the goal of have an emotionally connected dynamic that helps you both to thrive. You both deserve this, and we are happy to help you work towards achieving this goal! Visit our therapists page to further address this concern with a qualified clinician.
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Giving Space to Focus on Your Relationship Health
Tips for a healthy marriage and partnership
Written by: Amy Buchanan, LCMHCA
There is a large misconception that people who seek couple’s counseling are all in crisis. This is like saying that all people who exercise are overweight. There are many benefits to maintaining a strong marriage or relationship, much like regularly caring for your body through daily physical activity. Life throws us many challenges and it has been my experience that the ups and downs of life are navigated easier when couples regularly take time to make their relationship a priority. Professional counseling provides a strong foundation for emotional stability and problem solving for when unexpected challenges are faced. Benefits of a healthy and strong marriage include improved physical health, better physical fitness, longer lifespan, decrease in stress, higher self-esteem, improved productivity at work, higher median income, healthier and happier children, greater sense of purpose and meaning, and an overall sense of community, belonging and support.
Although every couple is unique with different personalities, backgrounds, and beliefs, there are some common factors that provide an advantage for long term happiness and success. Healthy couples have a fondness for each other including finding the good in each other. Healthy couples share dreams and goals with each other. Additionally, healthy relationships turn toward each other in times of crisis instead of away from each other, and they work toward conflict management instead of avoiding it. Lastly, healthy marriages have a positive perspective that includes a five to one average ratio of positive interactions to negative.
Making time for your spouse or partner is critically important to the overall health of your relationship as well as laying a foundation for longevity. The three most common subjects that couples argue about are communication, sexual intimacy, and finances. Arguments and conflict cannot be completely avoided. However, dedicating time to each other to focus on these common areas can reduce the frequency and intensity of the conflict. There are five essential commitments that invest in a healthy marriage:
- 30 minutes of daily conversation
- 1 hour a week “state of the union” to discuss household business.
- Weekly couple only date
- Daily cuddle time or physical touch
- Establishing rituals about sex
During the summer it can be difficult to find the time to commit to daily and weekly communications. However, the investment will pay off in long term dividends through a fulfilling marriage and strong family system. Having a date night can be simple and inexpensive if you are creative! Take advantage of happenings in the local community to get out and enjoy time together. Dating can be playful, adventurous, romantic, or practical. Some ideas for summer dates include:
- Taking a walk or hike
- Sitting outside to look at the stars
- Plan and cook a meal together
- Learn a new sport together
- Learn couple’s massage
- Write love letters to each other
- Go fishing together
- Plan a picnic
- Play a board game or card game together
- Read a book together
Your family is worth the investment to find joy, satisfaction, health, and happiness. Couples counseling can provide that fresh perspective for your relationship. I love using tools like The Five Love Languages, the Enneagram, challenges and homework to make the process fun and engaging. Adding new ideas, ways to communicate, and accountability can help with recurring issues in a marriage or get couples out of a slump. Remember, you get out of it when you put into it!
Amy Buchanan, LCMHCA is a Gottman Trained therapist and passionate advocate for healthy marriages. She has a special interest in serving first responders and is trained in using Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). She is available for scheduling in Denver & Mooresville as well as virtually. You can visit her bio and learn more about her here.
How to build good relationships that support your mental health
How to build good relationships that support your mental health
Managing family relationships when you struggle with mental health issues can be a strain as we balance what we have been told to do by our therapists, and facing real life circumstances. When dealing with a mental health struggles, it is important to surround yourself with people who are supportive and understanding. Unfortunately, this is not always possible, especially during the holidays. Many family members are not understanding of depression, anxiety, or other mental health challenges. Unsupportive loved ones may blame you for your symptoms, make cold and thoughtless comments, or even try to “solve” your mental illness, which can make coping with it even more difficult. So what can you do when the people who are supposed to be your greatest supporters are not? How can you survive holiday gatherings with these people? Here are some tips:
- Acknowledge the situation- Not everyone will understand and there may be a reason behind their feelings and behavior that has nothing to do with you. It is possible that their behavior is deeply ingrained based on beliefs that they were taught growing up (e.g. weakness in vulnerability; stigma around mental health)
- Engage in positive self-talk- When seeking support, start with yourself. Practice treating yourself with kindness and compassion. Pay attention to your inner voice and what it’s telling you, challenging negative thoughts as they arise.
- Understand that other people struggle too- Some family members may be unable to support you because they are dealing with their own mental health struggles. It’s not that they don’t care, they just might not have the internal resources to do more than take care of themselves at this time.
- Don’t believe misconceptions or myths about your mental illness- You may have family members who say hurtful things to you that are far from the truth. (e.g. calling you lazy or attention seeking). Listen to mental health professionals and don’t lose sight of the facts.
- Ask for help explicitly- Don’t be afraid to be direct and ask for what you really need. Some family members may actually be willing to support you, but they aren’t sure how or may not even realize that you need help.
- Control what you can- You may not be able to control where family gatherings take place or who will be there, but you can control whether you go or how long you plan to stay. Do whatever feels comfortable for you. Don’t force yourself into an uncomfortable or triggering situation.
- Establish healthy boundaries- Unfortunately, some people may be negative and hurtful no matter what you do. If you have tried some of these tips and things do not change with a certain family member, you may need to distance yourself from this person or even cut ties. Although this may be very hard to do, it is likely having negative effects on your well-being and hindering your progress.
- Prioritize self-care- Make time for activities that improve your mood, especially during the holidays or times when you’re planning to be around family. Doing something positive for yourself will help take the focus off unsupportive people and place it back on your personal wellness.
- Reach out to others for help- When your loved ones cannot provide you with the support that you need, don’t hesitate to seek outside help. Schedule an appointment with a mental health professional or join a support group. You may find that talking about your struggles with a stranger is easier than doing so with a family member, as you don’t have to worry about being judged. Feel free to check out our therapists at Miracles here to see who might be a good fit for you.