Adults Setting Boundaries with Parents: A Guide

When you are in the sandwich generation phase of life – an adult with children and aging parents of your own – you are feeling pulled in every direction. In this situation, you could be assisting your parents manage their finances while simultaneously helping your children deal with middle to high school social stressors. An adult in this situation has numerous responsibilities and can feel hectic and out of control of their own lives.Many do the best they can to keep up with the expecations of others. But others fall into a pattern of giving to the point they emotionally break. This is when adults need to set boundaries with their own parents.

 

This is all an act of love and responsibility for the family in your life. We know that to be true, but it becomes overwhelming. Eventually, it causes a loss of your own sense of a self. You too are a person with wants and needs and finding time for you is still important and valid. The emotional strain of this is magnified when a parent has had emotional health issues of their own, are enmeshed into their adult children’s lives, or are finding difficulties in their own aging process. This is a major reason why adults need to set boundaries with their parents.

While it can be hard at first, setting healthy boundaries with your parents is important and can be done! Once an adult begins to hold boundaries and has communication that is filled with respect and compassion, family relationships become closer and more connected. Below are simple approaches to helping you rebuild and maintain those boundaries so you can find time for yourself again, and some calm and control in this phase of life.

Here are some thoughts on navigating this delicate balance in creating boundaries with your adult parents:

1.  Communicate openly and respectfully: Express your boundaries clearly but compassionately. Be exact in your language so there is no misunderstanding of what you expect. Let your parents know what you need while acknowledging their feelings and perspectives.
2. Set clear limits: Identify specific behaviors or topics that make you uncomfortable and communicate your limits firmly. These specific incidences will help you to request and measure clear change over time. Be consistent in enforcing these boundaries. Tell your parent(s) know how you will respond if the limit is not respected.
3. Recognize your own needs: Affirming your emotional and practical needs first is key! Understand that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and assert your boundaries when necessary. Your needs are valid, even if they may differ from your parents’ expectations. Respectful communication creates space for both your needs and that of your parents.
4. Be assertive, not aggressive: Asserting boundaries doesn’t mean being confrontational or disrespectful. Maintain a calm and assertive demeanor when communicating your needs to avoid escalating conflicts. Remember, love is a language too!
5. Practice self-care: Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Setting boundaries with parents can be emotionally draining, so make sure to prioritize self-care activities that recharge you.
6. Seek support if needed:  Ask for help if you find any of these steps intimidating. If you’re struggling to establish or maintain boundaries with your parents, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and help you navigate complex family dynamics.
7. Be flexible: Recognize that boundaries may need to evolve over time as circumstances change. Asserting your boundaries is just the beginning of change. It does take time. Stay open to renegotiating boundaries as necessary while staying true to your needs and values.

Remember, setting boundaries with adult parents is about creating healthier and more respectful relationships, not about distancing yourself from them. By establishing clear boundaries, you’re fostering mutual respect and understanding within your family dynamic. If you need help preparing how to set these boundaries with your parents, please contact one of our clinicians who can help you get started!