Learning to Identify Your Emotions: A Path to Emotional Recovery

Oftentimes in my work with clients, it becomes apparent that someone does not possess adequate language for their emotions. Sometimes this is the result of growing up in a home where emotions functioned more as skeletons in the closet or as dust under the rug. Other times it develops from painful lessons in emotional danger, where vulnerability came at a cost and emotions were minimized, ridiculed, or even used as fodder for abuse. There is also a category of individuals whose emotional maturity is lacking because they bought into the cultural idea that expressing emotion is the equivalent of being a drama queen (or king) and they work hard to curate their emotions into socially acceptable displays. In each of these instances, the capacity for appropriate and healthy emotional expression is limited and for many individuals, the thought of anything else can be very intimidating.

Beginning the Path to Emotional Recovery

Before I can teach a client language for their emotions, we must first address where their conceptualization of emotions comes from and how this shapes their current comfort level with emotional expression. For example, if a client grew up with a parent whose expression of anger was generally one that was out of control, loud, full of profanity, demeaning, scary, and so forth, then allowing him/herself to feel and express anger as an adult can be extremely challenging. These individuals often perceive other people’s anger as being unsafe, as well, and project their past experiences of anger onto whatever relationship they find themselves in. While anger can certainly be expressed inappropriately, it also points to something important: It shows us what we care about. In fact, there are times when anger is appropriate and needs to be expressed before a client can move forward in their healing process. Creating a safe space for clients to explore their anger and learn that it can be expressed in a healthy, safe way is a primary goal of therapy for these individuals. As with many emotions, the crime is not in feeling anger, but monitoring how it is expressed is essential. Addressing these associations of emotion is critical to the recovery process.

Developing a Language for Your Emotions

Once a client better understands where and how his/her emotional literacy was shaped, they can begin to learn the language for their emotions. Without language to describe what we are feeling, it is very difficult to take ownership of these emotions, to process them, and to learn healthier ways of emotional regulation and expression. It is also difficult to understand why we are feeling a certain way if we do not possess the words to describe these feelings. Additionally, a lack of emotional language inhibits our ability to form meaningful connection and intimacy with others. With children and youth who are struggling to identify their emotions, I often show them the emojis on my phone and ask them to point to one that best describes how they feel. I then ask them to describe what that picture communicates to them and from there we can have a conversation about what is going on inside.

A wonderful resource for older teens and adults is Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brené Brown (2021). I like to use this book as a resource, an emotions encyclopedia, if you will. Brown has done a phenomenal job of categorizing emotions into families and helping us to better understand which emotions are connected and how, as well as teaching us more specific language for describing what we feel. For instance, did you know that resentment is part of the envy family? Did you also know it is possible (and very normal) to feel multiple emotions at once, even if they seem to be conflicting? Several years ago, I worked with a client who told me each session that she was exhausted. While this statement was not untrue (she carried the emotional and physical exhaustion of years of trauma and untreated OCD), I began to challenge her to explore this feeling further, suggesting that she might be feeling something other than exhaustion. As our work unfolded, she learned a whole variety of words to describe more accurately what she was feeling, which, in turn, allowed us to focus on the root of those feelings and achieve greater recovery and healing.

Embracing the Role and Importance of Emotional Experiences

When a client has a better understanding of their emotional development, as well as language to describe what they are feeling, I then help them to understand the role of emotions. At this point in therapy, we work on developing a certain comfort level with these emotions, which includes not judging but normalizing them. I often tell clients that emotions are one of the few equalizers in humanity—no one is exempt from having them and we cannot pretend that we are above feeling certain emotions that seem taboo or bad. In fact, there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” emotion—they simply are. They are not meant to define us nor to guide our decisions, but to be felt. In therapy, we also practice ways of expressing emotion and releasing them in ways that are safe, healthy, respectful of other people’s boundaries, and provide resolution over time.

If you, a child, or partner is struggling with emotional expression or you find yourself stunted and afraid of letting out your feelings, you may benefit from doing some emotions work with a therapist. While it may seem daunting at first, keep in mind that learning any new skill can be uncomfortable in the beginning. However, with time and appropriate therapeutic support, you can grow this muscle and learn to be present with your emotions, as well as to hold space for others’ emotions.

 

Sarah Groff, LCMHC has over 22 years of experience in the mental health field, many of which have specifically focused on adoption, infertility, and working with the entire adoption triad, as well as assisting women with making a parallel plan for adoption and parenting.