Parenting a Child with Autism : A Helpful Guide
Parenting a child on the autism spectrum can feel like you’re trying to piece together a puzzle with no picture on the box. Parenting can be like that in general, but when you start noticing behaviors in your child that feel different, confusing, or hard to explain, that puzzle can feel even more overwhelming. Every parent has struggled with self doubts and uncertainties on how to move forward in parenting. You’re not alone. Many parents have been right where you are.
Together, we’ll look at what autism is, how it may appear in children, and gentle ways you can support your child—and yourself—along the way.
Parenting a child with Autism is Different
Autism, or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), is a neurodevelopmental difference in how a person communicates, learns, and experiences the world. It’s called a “spectrum” because autism is very different from person to person. Some kids may be highly verbal and academically advanced, while others may have significant communication challenges. The common thread is that their brain processes information in a way that can make social interaction, flexibility, and sensory experiences more challenging. Children on the autism spectrum will need some adjusted parenting approaches given their unique neurodevelopmental needs.
Key Areas Where Children with Autism May Need Support
Every child is unique, but some common areas where kids with autism benefit from extra guidance include:
- Communication & Language – Children with autism may communicate in unique ways. Some might speak later than their peers, use fewer words, or rely on gestures, sounds, or pictures instead of speech. Others may have strong vocabularies but find back-and-forth conversation, tone of voice, or body language harder to understand. Their communication often looks different, but it’s still meaningful—and with support, it can grow and flourish.
- Social Skills – Relationships can be the hardest piece to for a child on the spectrum to manage. Some simple skills such as how to start conversations, share space with peers, or navigate friendships.
- Behavior & Emotional Regulation – Children with autism experience the same range of emotions as their peers, but they may express them in different ways. Support is often needed to help them recognize their feelings and learn healthy ways to share them. Planned strategies for handling transitions, along with reducing overwhelming environmental stimuli, can make a big difference in preventing meltdowns and promoting emotional balance.
- Sensory Support – Due to the ways the brain is wired, offering sensory support can be a key helper in parenting a child who lives with autism. Occupational therapy is another key resource for sensory processing, and can help teach strategies like weighted blankets or tactile resources to help give the brain the input it needs. Other lifestyle adjustments such as noise-canceling headphones, and sensory-friendly environments are often overlooked options that should be a part of a parents tool kit for parenting a child on the spectrum.
- Daily Living Skills – Children with autism often process information, sensory input, and social expectations differently, which can make everyday tasks harder. Skills like hygiene, cooking, organizing, or handling money may not come naturally and need to be taught step by step. Repetition and reinforcement over the long run will help them to be most successful. This is an area where you are making progress even if they do not seem to be grasping it yet. Give it time!
Building Your Child’s Support Team
You are not alone parenting your child with this neurodevelopmental difference. You also should feel comfortable to surround yourself with a team of professionals that can also Think of your child’s care as a team effort, where each specialist brings a different set of tools to help your child grow. Here are some professionals who may become valuable members of your support network:
- Pediatrician or Developmental Pediatrician – Often the first step for evaluation and referrals. A developmental pediatrician specializes in diagnosing and managing developmental differences, including autism.
- Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP) – Supports children with delays in speech, language, or social communication. They can also help introduce alternative communication methods if verbal speech is difficult.
- Occupational Therapist (OT) – Helps with fine motor skills (like handwriting, using utensils), daily living skills (dressing, brushing teeth), and sensory processing challenges.
- Behavioral Therapist (often ABA provider) – Works on understanding behaviors and teaching skills in ways that encourage independence, flexibility, and coping strategies.
- Child Psychologist or Counselor – Provides support for emotional regulation, anxiety, or social skills, and helps parents understand their child’s behaviors.
- Special Education Teachers & School Support Staff – Play a big role in creating and following your child’s Individualized Education Program (IEP), ensuring your child has accommodations to thrive academically and socially.
Let me guess you’re thinking “woah, that’s a lot of people”. Remember, you don’t need all of these specialists at once.
The right mix depends on your child’s unique strengths and challenges.
Last, but most importantly…You
If you’re so focused on your child that your own needs often end up last on the list, we need to change that! The truth is parenting a child with autism can be deeply rewarding, and also emotionally draining. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.
- Find your people. Join parent support groups (online or in person) where you can share stories and resources. There’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
- Take breaks when you can. Even short moments, like stepping outside for a breath of fresh air help recharge your nervous system.
- Set realistic expectations. Some days will be messy, and that’s okay. Celebrate progress, not perfection.
- Seek your own support. Therapy, coaching, or counseling can give you space to process the ups and downs of parenting.
Remember, your child benefits most when you feel grounded and supported.
Parenting a child with autism isn’t about striving for perfection; it’s about showing up with patience, consistency, and compassion, even on the hard days. We’ve all heard the phrase “Hurt people hurt people”, we do ourselves and others a disservice when we don’t adhere to our own needs. Making space to rest, recharge, and care for your own emotional well-being is not only vital for you, but it also strengthens your ability to show up as the steady, grounded parent your child needs.
If you’ve made it this far in the article.. Could it be because this topic resonates with you? You are not alone. Consider reaching out to a professional just to get more clarity.
And in the meantime, remind yourself: you don’t have to have it all figured out today.
You’re doing better than you think.
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Keeping Families Happy During Summer
Creating a Happy Family during Summer Break
For many families, summertime offers a break from the hustle and bustle of the school year and a chance to move at a much slower pace. Parents often enter the summer season excited to spend more time together and make fun memories as a family. However, now that everyone has settled in, you may feel that excitement wearing off if there is an increase in bickering and quarreling. Perhaps you’re starting to feel more like a referee for the increase in squabbles and sibling rivalry between your children. The lack of a normal routine, coupled with the extra family closeness is likely starting to take a toll on the family. We get it. Family conflict is normal and unavoidable, but it is important to know how to manage differences so that you are actually able to enjoy your summer! Here are some tips to help you navigate your family’s conflicts and work to strengthen your relationships this summer!
How to Improve Relationships Between Siblings
Spend time with each child individually
The best way to decrease sibling rivalry is to give each child positive, one-on-one attention, so they won’t seek negative attention from one another. Try to carve out 10-15 minutes a few times a week to spend with each child, doing an activity of their choice and nurturing their individual interests.
Avoid comparisons and labels
When you compare your children to one another or give them labels, such as “the wild one” and “my athletic one,” you are fueling the sibling rivalry. Instead, create opportunities for cooperation by focusing on the unique abilities of each child.
Know when to get involved
Sometimes, when a parent steps in to break up conflict, it can appear as though you are choosing a side. Try to avoid being the referee and let your children learn how to work through conflict, when possible.
Encourage finding a solution
While you may not always need to step in as a referee or judge, you can act as a mediator, helping your kids come up with a solution that appeals to both sides. Demonstrating compromise and problem-solving tools can equip your children to solve future conflicts.
Reward positive interactions
Take time to observe and point out positive interactions between your children. No need to go overboard, but your kids will appreciate the praise.
Get outside
Encourage time outdoors as much as possible. This will improve your children’s sleep mood, which will help them to better resolve conflicts with siblings.
Help identify triggers
You can help your children to prevent conflict beforehand by talking through situations that commonly lead to disputes and having them role-play how to handle those situations with respectful words and behaviors
Family Relationship Rules that Work!
Keep boundaries in place
Summer is not the time to forgo all of the family rules. Staying firm in your boundaries is healthy for your family. Be transparent about your expectations for one another during the summertime. Have a family meeting if you need to.
Maintain a light summer schedule
Along with keeping personal boundaries in place, your family will benefit from some sort of structure. Try to keep mealtime, screen time, and bedtime consistent. There’s still room for flexibility- bedtime can be later. Everyone will get along better if they’re getting enough sleep.
Play together
Enjoying fun activities together as a family provides opportunities for quality time, deeper family bonding, and healthy communication. These activities don’t have to be expensive or extravagant- it can be a family game night, movie night, picnic dinner, walk through the neighborhood, or trip to the park!
Find balance
Family activities are great, but don’t need to happen every day of summer. It’s healthy for everyone to have some downtime to themselves. Try to find a balance between planned activities together and quiet or “doing nothing” time apart. It’s okay to be bored sometimes!
Recognize and communicate feelings
When conflict arises, try to listen to how each person is feeling and point it out. Be direct with your words on how you’re feeling as well, using “I feel…” statements, rather than placing blame.
Remember to breathe
Emotions can run high during times of conflict. It’s okay to have strong feelings, but it’s important to model self-regulation for your family. Watch your tone of voice. Recognize when you need to step back and breathe before intervening in a state of high emotion.
Source(s): childrensmd.org, chadd.org, health.clevelandclinic.org, extension.usu.edu, today.com, gowoyo.org, myuscare.com, parentingsimply.com
Sometimes participating in Family Therapy can be a great way to kick off positive changes in your home. We have multiple therapists who can help you all begin communicating and spending time with each other in positive and enjoyable ways. Miracles Counseling Centers can help!
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Nurturing Individual Needs: A Guide for Couples
Nurturing Mental Health in Relationships: A Guide for Couples
Does it sometimes feel impossible to coexist with the person you love most? Maybe the distance grows when life gets heavy. Or maybe the arguments feel more like battles than disagreements. If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone and there’s still hope.
Mental health is the invisible anchor at the base of every relationship. When it’s strong, couples feel safe, supported, and seen. When it’s frayed, even small issues can spiral into conflict. Let’s explore why mental health matters in relationships, how therapy can help, and practical ways to strengthen communication and emotional connection.
Mental Health & Relationships: More Connected Than You Think
Our individual mental health impacts everything in a relationship, from how we argue to how we love. According to research, mental health issues such as anxiety or depression can lead to increased conflict, emotional withdrawal, and decreased intimacy. It’s not just about one partner’s emotional experience, it’s about how the couple functions as a unit too.
Partners are emotionally interconnected, and when one is struggling, the other often feels the weight too. I imagine you have felt that same weight too. Studies have shown that couples with greater emotional attunement (the ability to understand and respond to each other’s emotions) have stronger, more satisfying relationships.
So, if you’re thinking, “Why do we keep getting stuck in the same arguments?” or “Why does it feel like we’re drifting?” you or your partner’s mental health may be a major part of the answer.
Healthy Communication – Simple but Effective
Ever feel like you’re talking, but you’re not really being heard? You’re not imagining things. When our emotional needs go unmet, it often shows up in how we connect with others… or how disconnected we feel. That’s where healthy communication comes in. It’s not just about the words we say, but how they’re delivered, received, and felt. Healthy communication plays a vital role in nurturing and sustaining a lasting connection. This is an important part of an individuals emotional health needs. At the base of our emotional health fulfillment is communication.
Here are a few tools recommended for healthy communication:
Active Listening – This means really listening, not planning your next response. Reflect back what your partner says to show you’re engaged. This technique increases emotional safety.
Use “I” Statements – For example: “I feel overwhelmed when we argue late at night,” instead of “You never care about how tired I am.” This lowers defensiveness and increases empathy.
Validate Emotions – You don’t have to agree, but acknowledging how your partner feels (“That sounds really frustrating”) makes them feel heard, not dismissed.
Watch Nonverbal Cues – Eye rolls, crossed arms, or a cold tone can say more than words ever will.
Learning how to argue well is just as important as avoiding fights. One study found that couples who use “repair attempts” (like humor or changing tone) during conflict were significantly more likely to stay together long-term (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Communication builds connection, which consistently builds a healthy emotional state.
Therapy isn’t just for “Broken” Couples
Ever wondered if therapy is worth it; especially if things aren’t that bad? The short answer is yes.
Couples therapy can help both partners feel heard, clarify recurring issues, and build new skills for navigating future challenges. And it works! Emotionally focused therapy (EFT), for example, has a success rate of 70-75% for distressed couples (Spengler et al., 2022). This therapeutic approach will help each of you identify the emotional health needs of each partner. When we work to support and meet the needs of the individual, the couple benefits! Couples therapy addresses the mental health of the individual partners, in addition to the relational dynamic between you both.
Even if one partner is hesitant to go, individual therapy can also improve a relationship. As individuals grow in self-awareness, emotional regulation, and communication skills, those benefits often trickle into their relational habits.
Thriving as Individuals, Together – Your own Mental Health Matters!
Is it selfish to want time for yourself when you’re in a relationship? Absolutely not. In fact, it’s essential.
A healthy relationship includes two healthy individuals. Taking time for self-care, pursuing hobbies, or going to therapy on your own can prevent codependency and burnout (Luscombe, 2018). Relationships are healthiest when you each partner feels a sense of their own identity in all aspects of their life. It is important to give permission and encourage your partner to go out with friends or aspire to personal goals and work towards them. Having that core sense of self will only complement how you grow as a couple.
Growth starts with showing up
If you’re feeling stuck, distant, or exhausted in your relationship it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human.
Mental health, just like physical health, requires attention and care. And when couples commit to growth, both individually and together, they build a partnership that can weather hard seasons and flourish in good ones.
You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to be willing to try and to keep trying. Visit our Clinicians Page and find a therapist that feels right for you to work with to build the life and relationship you deserve.
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What is Perinatal Mental Health
Perinatal Mental Health: You’re Not Alone
Bringing a baby into the world is life-changing – filled with excitement, love, and—let’s be real—plenty of challenges. While many people talk about the physical changes of pregnancy and postpartum recovery, the emotional side of things often gets overlooked.
But here’s the truth: perinatal mental health matters just as much as physical health. If you’re struggling with feelings of anxiety, depression, or overwhelm during pregnancy or after birth, you are not alone—and counseling can be one of the most powerful tools for support and healing.
What is Perinatal Mental Health?
Perinatal mental health refers to emotional well-being during pregnancy and the first year after birth. This period can bring a rollercoaster of emotions—some expected, some surprising, and some downright scary. The emotional changes during this time are often unaddressed. Some women feel shame in some of the natural, negative emotions they are going through in the months after birth, causing them to remain in silence. Others find giving themselves any time in acknowledgment of their needs is selfish – believe they should be entirely focused on their infant.
While some mood changes are normal, others may signal a more serious mental health concern, including:
Perinatal Depression
Similar to traditional depression, perinatal depression includes feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or emotional numbness. However, the key difference is that it specifically occurs during pregnancy or in the first year after childbirth. Mothers report feeling disconnected from their babies or struggle with daily tasks. This leads to a sense of isolation and emotional overwhelm.
Perinatal Anxiety
Anxiety during the perinatal period is marked by intense, and constant worry. Additionally, physical symptoms like racing heartbeats or dizziness are noted. Women may fear something bad will happen to themselves or their baby, leading to panic attacks or an overwhelming sense of dread. This occurs even when there’s no real danger.
Postpartum OCD
Postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) involves intrusive, distressing thoughts (such as fears of harming the baby or being unable to care for them properly) and/or compulsive actions (like repeatedly checking on the baby or cleaning) to ease anxiety. These thoughts and behaviors can be time-consuming and cause significant distress, even though the mother may know they’re irrational.
Postpartum PTSD
Honestly, pregnancy can be complicated and difficult. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) occurs after a difficult or traumatic pregnancy and/or childbirth experience. You will experience symptoms including flashbacks, nightmares, or panic attacks related to the birth. These symptoms can make it challenging to bond with the baby and interfere with daily functioning.
Postpartum Psychosis
A rare but very serious condition, postpartum psychosis includes symptoms like hallucinations, delusions, and extreme confusion. It can develop suddenly, typically within the first two weeks after childbirth. It requires immediate medical attention, as it can be life-threatening for both the mother and the baby.
Why Do Pre and Post Pregnancy Have So Many Emotions??
You may be wondering why such strong emotional reactions occur, especially as for most this is a highly anticipated moment in life. We forget the huge change that our bodies go through during ten months of gestation are not the only part of pregnancy. There is also the 4th trimester when your body now shifts back to pre-pregnancy status. Perinatal mental health struggles don’t have one single cause, but several key factors can contribute. Here are some you might recognize:
✔️ Hormonal Changes – Similar to at the onset of pregnancy; after giving birth, your hormones go through a rollercoaster. Which typically causes your mood to navigate exactly like that rollercoaster. You might feel up one minute and incredibly low the next, and it can leave you feeling out of control.
✔️ Sleep Deprivation – Newborns are notorious for having their own sleep schedule. Meanwhile you’re with them while they’re awake and getting things done while they’re asleep. Essentially surviving on little to no sleep, which can leave you feeling exhausted, irritable, and emotionally drained. It’s tough to keep a clear head when your body is running on empty.
✔️ Emotional Adjustments – The pressure to be a “perfect” parent can be overwhelming. You might feel overwhelmed by the constant need to get everything just right—feeling like you’re failing even when you’re doing your best. This can stir up feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and stress.
✔️ Past Mental Health History – If you’ve dealt with mental health struggles before, pregnancy and postpartum can stir up old fears or anxieties. It might feel like you’re back at square one, dealing with issues that you thought you’d left behind.
✔️ Traumatic Birth Experiences – Every birth is unique, and sometimes things just don’t go as expected. Whether it’s difficult labor or unexpected complications, the emotional weight of a challenging delivery can linger. Traumatic Birth Experiences can trigger feelings of fear, distress, or even guilt.
Counseling: Postpartum Mental Health
One of the best ways to navigate perinatal mental health challenges is counseling. Speaking with a trained professional can help you process emotions, develop coping strategies, and feel less alone in your journey.
How Can Counseling Help?
Counseling provides the safe space you’re yearning for—a place where you have a personal, nonjudgmental listener to support and guide you on your path to healing. Sometimes, simply voicing your thoughts and emotions out loud can be incredibly therapeutic, and a therapist can offer validation and understanding.
Mental health symptoms, such as anxiety and depression, can be challenging to manage alone, but therapy helps you identify negative thought patterns and teaches you strategies to reframe them. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is especially effective for addressing postpartum anxiety and depression. If you have struggled with anxietyor depression before pregnancy it will be even more important for you to seek therapy support.
Additionally, therapy can help you process any past trauma, including difficult birth experiences, in a healthy and empowering way. Parenthood often brings added stress to marriages, friendships, and family dynamics, but therapy offers tools to strengthen relationships by improving communication and setting healthy boundaries. A counselor can also personalize coping strategies tailored to your unique journey, whether it’s mindfulness, self-care practices, or structured routines.
You Deserve Support
Perinatal mental health challenges are common, treatable, and often misunderstood. However, far too many parents suffer in silence. Whether you’re facing this journey yourself or supporting someone you love, reaching out for help can be a powerful first step toward healing.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard, supported, and cared for. Counseling offers a safe, compassionate space to explore your struggles and rediscover your strength. Getting the therapy support you need will help you to grow the strong bond between your new baby and family members that you want.
If you or someone you know is struggling, take that first step. You deserve the support that can help you heal and reclaim your joy and enjoy the new beginnings of your family!
Amani Joyner, LMFTA, specializes in guiding women through this wonderful, challenging journey. She has a passion developed through her own personal journey in supporting women as they move through the changes that pregnancy and motherhood can bring. Out of this experience comes her passion in supporting mother’s and thus she has invested in additional, in depth trainings organized by the PostPartum Support International. She provides expert care in a safe, non-judgmental environment. With help, you can be well. We can work towards a brighter future together.
How to Manage Boomerang Children
How to Manage Boomerang Children – When the Nest isn’t Empty
You may have anticipated this empty nest phase of your life, and planned to manage this as a normal life transition. However, things did not end up turning out as you thought that they would. You may still have adult children living at home. According to the 2021 Census 58% of adults aged 18-24 are living at home with their parents and 17% of adults aged 25-34 are living at home with their parents. This phenomenon of adult children returning to live at home with their parents is called “Boomerang Children.” The influences on the financial needs of Boomerang Children include a shortage of affordable housing, increased student loan debt, and employment volatility. Other factors include delayed milestones, personal development, and the need for health care support. Many families find themselves in this situation, and are attempting to find balance in how to have healthy relationships with these children, who are now adults, in their home.
Life with adult children in the home can cause unexpected stress.
The present circumstances may create conflict if the adult child has differing lifestyles, values or habits. Parents may experience a loss of privacy or have difficulty adjusting their roles with adult children. This can increase emotional distress including frustration, anxiety, and disappointment. Increased conflict in your marraige is likely if the two of you disagree on the approach of having adult children in the home again. Overall, strife can occur with so many individuals in the home attempting to share space once again. It’s natural for this new and unexpected transition to feel difficult.
What can help ease the stress during this challenging time?
- Establish clear boundaries. Discuss together house rules, responsibilities, and timeframes to set expectations and avoid misunderstandings.
- Create a supportive environment by engaging in open communication through active listening without expressing judgement.
- Discuss finances openly and set an expectation to contribute to the household.
- Balance freedom and structure by respecting their privacy while holding household standards.
- Be patient. Give each other grace because adjusting to living together can be difficult for both parties.
Despite the challenging time of life together, it can also be a time of growth and joy. There are ways to continue to connect with your adult children andmake the most of this extended time together. It all starts with how we choose to look at the situation and decide to embrace it.
- Share experiences. Spend time together intentionally on a regular basis doing something you both enjoy like watching a favorite show together, meeting up weekly at a favorite restaurant, taking an exercise class, or traveling.
- Be open-minded. The younger generations have many things to offer including preferences in food, music, and décor. Be open to allowing them to teach you something.
- Encourage their interests. Just like when they were younger, be their cheerleaders and show interest in their passions and pursuits.
- Allow them to take a larger role in decision making. Allowing adult children to have input in holiday plans, meal choices, and household decisions will foster respect and provide opportunities for growth.
- Reconnect with your spouse. This is especially important! After spending years raising your children and making them a priority it is critical to prioritize your marriage. This is important for YOU, but it also provides a role model for your adult children of what healthy relationships look like. Plan regular date nights, experience new things together, support each other’s roles, and start new traditions.
Counseling can help smooth the adjustment of Boomerang Childen in the home
Transitions can be difficult, especially when they do not happen as we expected. Counseling help is available when you find it difficult to process the new needs of the family or need support engaging in the difficult conversations. Putting off addressing concerns can allow difficulties to grow, This transition can be a beautiful experience with reasonable expectations and helpful tools.
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Adults Setting Boundaries with Parents: A Guide
When you are in the sandwich generation phase of life – an adult with children and aging parents of your own – you are feeling pulled in every direction. In this situation, you could be assisting your parents manage their finances while simultaneously helping your children deal with middle to high school social stressors. An adult in this situation has numerous responsibilities and can feel hectic and out of control of their own lives.Many do the best they can to keep up with the expecations of others. But others fall into a pattern of giving to the point they emotionally break. This is when adults need to set boundaries with their own parents.
This is all an act of love and responsibility for the family in your life. We know that to be true, but it becomes overwhelming. Eventually, it causes a loss of your own sense of a self. You too are a person with wants and needs and finding time for you is still important and valid. The emotional strain of this is magnified when a parent has had emotional health issues of their own, are enmeshed into their adult children’s lives, or are finding difficulties in their own aging process. This is a major reason why adults need to set boundaries with their parents.
While it can be hard at first, setting healthy boundaries with your parents is important and can be done! Once an adult begins to hold boundaries and has communication that is filled with respect and compassion, family relationships become closer and more connected. Below are simple approaches to helping you rebuild and maintain those boundaries so you can find time for yourself again, and some calm and control in this phase of life.
Here are some thoughts on navigating this delicate balance in creating boundaries with your adult parents:
- Communicate openly and respectfully: Express your boundaries clearly but compassionately. Be exact in your language so there is no misunderstanding of what you expect. Let your parents know what you need while acknowledging their feelings and perspectives.
- Set clear limits: Identify specific behaviors or topics that make you uncomfortable and communicate your limits firmly. These specific incidences will help you to request and measure clear change over time. Be consistent in enforcing these boundaries. Tell your parent(s) know how you will respond if the limit is not respected.
- Recognize your own needs: Affirming your emotional and practical needs first is key! Understand that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and assert your boundaries when necessary. Your needs are valid, even if they may differ from your parents’ expectations. Respectful communication creates space for both your needs and that of your parents.
- Be assertive, not aggressive: Asserting boundaries doesn’t mean being confrontational or disrespectful. Maintain a calm and assertive demeanor when communicating your needs to avoid escalating conflicts. Remember, love is a language too!
- Practice self-care: Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Setting boundaries with parents can be emotionally draining, so make sure to prioritize self-care activities that recharge you.
- Seek support if needed: Ask for help if you find any of these steps intimidating. If you’re struggling to establish or maintain boundaries with your parents, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and help you navigate complex family dynamics.
- Be flexible: Recognize that boundaries may need to evolve over time as circumstances change. Asserting your boundaries is just the beginning of change. It does take time. Stay open to renegotiating boundaries as necessary while staying true to your needs and values.
Remember, setting boundaries with adult parents is about creating healthier and more respectful relationships, not about distancing yourself from them. By establishing clear boundaries, you’re fostering mutual respect and understanding within your family dynamic. If you need help preparing how to set these boundaries with your parents, please contact one of our clinicians who can help you get started!
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Infertility, Addressing the Grief
If you have ever experienced infertility or the loss of a child by miscarriage, then you are probably all too familiar with the roller coaster of emotions that often accompanies this type of loss. Although it may go unmentioned or unnoticed by others, the pain and grief of infertility (both primary and secondary) can be excruciating for those going through it. In fact, one of the things that can make this journey so painful is the shame and secrecy people often attach to it. This shame may be a result of one’s own ideas of what it means to be fertile, as well as influenced by their familial and cultural expectations about reproducing. While a variety of options now exist for creating families, the path to these options for many parents may be long, emotionally tiring, physically draining, and financially taxing.
The Emotional Toll of Infertility
In my experience, it matters little whether infertility is explained or unexplained—it carries heartache nonetheless. Most couples report that they assumed they would be able to get pregnant easily and unless they have some pre-existing condition that directly impacts their ability to get pregnant, it comes as a blow to find out the process may not be so easy after all. Some couples discuss adoption during courtship and others quickly jump to this option (or others) upon hearing they cannot conceive without intervention. Many others, however, struggle with accepting their infertility. Even if they do go on to have children, the loss of a child by miscarriage or years of struggling with infertility can leave a mark.
One thing that is important to recognize when dealing with infertility is the grief involved. I have worked with couples that were so focused on growing their family that they forgot to take time to grieve along the way. In the case of adoption, this can be particularly concerning because unresolved grief can inhibit a parent’s ability to bond with an adopted child. When couples have a mix of biological and adopted children, for instance, there can also be a difference in how each is treated based upon how they joined the family. Unfortunately, children quickly pick up on these differences and adoptees often feel unwanted or less loved as a result. Unresolved grief related to infertility can have wide reaching implications.
How to Address the Grief of Infertility
One adoptive mother I worked with likened her grief process to a picture she might keep on the night stand, explaining that the picture, like grief, never goes away; however, as time goes by, the picture might be moved to another position on the night stand and no longer kept at front and center. Her grief, due to years of infertility and unsuccessful invitro treatments, healed over time as she addressed the loss and what it meant for her as a woman not to be able to conceive and carry a biological child. With time, she shared, the grief took a back row to the other pictures on her night stand. I also worked with an adoptive father who had Hodgkin’s Disease as a teenager, the treatment of which left him sterile. While he always knew he would not be able to conceive a child, it was not until he was married that the emotions of this loss really hit him. In therapy, he confronted what it meant for him to be a virile man and his shame over “letting his wife down,” which was not how she felt at all, by the way. One man I worked with was happily married with several children, yet he had never grieved the baby he and his high school girlfriend lost because of a spontaneous abortion. He finally reached a certain point in his adult life where he could no longer ignore the impact this loss had on him. Even though he recognized that raising a baby at 16 would have had certain challenges, he grieved the loss of what might have been and how it led to the eventual break-up with his first love. Through the course of therapy, he even realized how this loss was also impacting his current intimate relationship with his wife. Together, we were able to work through these varying elements of grief and the client was able to stop blaming himself for what happened and finally feel peace. In many situations, I have helped couples sit with their sadness and acknowledge their conflicting emotions, as well as identify possible alternatives for growing a family in the future.
How to Provide Support if You Are a Friend or Family Member
If you are in a relationship with someone who is struggling with the grief of infertility or have a close family member or friend who is struggling with this, there are some things you can do to be supportive:
1. Listen. Don’t offer platitudes, things like “You’ll get pregnant. Just stop trying so hard. Don’t worry, it will happen with time.” Clients report that while these statements may be well meaning, they are not helpful and often feel dismissive.
2. Don’t offer advice. Instead, ask what would be helpful and how they need you to show up at this time.
3. Refrain from comparing your experience (or that of your sister, mother, cousin, co-worker) to theirs. Everyone experiences infertility very uniquely and it is so deeply personal, which again makes comparing feel very dismissive.
4. Remember your loved one. Send a simple text or card letting them know you are thinking of/praying for them. Let them know they are not forgotten and that you are there for them.
5. Finally, if you notice your loved one is becoming anxious or depressed because of their loss and grief, kindly ask if they have considered talking to someone. Finding a professional who is experienced with grief, infertility, adoption, and other related topics can be extremely validating and healing.
Sarah Groff, LCMHCS has over 22 years of experience in the mental health field, many of which have specifically focused on adoption, infertility, and working with the entire adoption triad, as well as assisting women with making a parallel plan for adoption and parenting. If you or someone you know may benefit from counseling to focus on one of these areas, please submit a request to speak with someone at one of our offices.
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