Breaking the People Pleasing Cycle: Part 2

Breaking the People-Pleasing Cycle
How to Set Boundaries Without the Guilt

 

If you’ve recognized yourself in the patterns of people-pleasing, understanding why you do it is an important first step. But awareness alone doesn’t always make it easier to say no. Similarly, it is no easier to set boundaries, or even to stop worrying about disappointing others.

Ultimately, the exhaustion from always putting everyone else first, or the guilty feeling when you try to put your own needs first still exists. We want to help you to break the people-pleasing cycle without feeling as if you are less.  After reading this article, you will see it’s about learning that you can care for others without abandoning yourself.

In this article, we’ll explore practical ways to begin changing people-pleasing patterns, setting healthier boundaries, and becoming more comfortable with the discomfort that can come with putting yourself first.

 

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Why Do People Become People-Pleasers?

 

There are a huge number of contributing factors to why someone ultimately becomes a people pleaser. Most often it does connect to a role you took on growing up within your family, or due to an event you experienced that led to seeking self protection by flying under the radar with others. Below is a list, not exhaustive, of other possible reasons that have led to a person who is eager to please others, but not themselves. Ultimately, pleasing people is something most often learned because it helps you to navigate relationships, not simply because there is something wrong with you. 

Possible people pleasing contributors include:

 

• Fear of rejection
• Fear of conflict
• Low self-esteem
• Anxiety
• Past relationship experiences
• Growing up in an environment where emotions were difficult to navigate
• Learning that being helpful earned approval
• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
• Difficulty trusting that relationships can survive disagreement 

The Hidden Cost of Always Putting Others First

 

Putting others first is manageable for a period of time, but ultimately can lead to burnout in your life. You most likely are reading this because you’ve noticed feeling spent and know you might have a problem with taking on too much already. Check out this list below of negative impacts that people pleasing can cause – perhaps this will be motivating to you for change.

 

People-pleasing can contribute to:

• Emotional exhaustion
• Anxiety
• Resentment
• Burnout
• Relationship difficulties
• Difficulty identifying your own needs
• Loss of confidence
• Poor boundaries
• Feeling disconnected from yourself

 

You don’t want this for you, and neither do we.
Living a life that balances your needs with others is a life well lived.

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How to Start Breaking the People-Pleasing Cycle

 

We want to give you a few tricks to begin breaking the cycle you are finding yourself in. Some of these may feel too good to be true, but learning to put them into action can actually create long lasting change for you. 

 

First, start with a pause.

Instead of immediately saying yes, try:

“Let me think about it and get back to you.”

This gives you time to decide whether you genuinely want or are able to help.

 

Second, ask yourself three questions:

1. Do I want to do this?
2. Do I have the capacity to do this?
3. Am I saying yes because I want to—or because I’m afraid of saying no?

 

Next, Practice small boundaries.

Don’t start with the hardest relationship in your life.

Start small. Perhaps a friend who you feel very comfortable with.

For example:

“I can’t make it tonight, but thank you for inviting me.”

No lengthy explanation required.

 

Lastly, build in self-permission

This work in building boundaries and letting go of guilt that may still creep in. Taking a breathe in, and hearing your own self-affirming words can help you through this process. 

 

“I can care about others without abandoning myself.”

“My needs matter too.”

“I am allowed to say no without guilt.”

“I don’t have to earn love by pleasing others.”

“Disappointing someone does not make me a bad person.”

 

All of these are good options to help you move pass guilt, unwarranted responsibility, and discomfort that moving away from people pleasing can cause you. 

 

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Counseling Helps When Relationships Get Tough

Therapy Support local to you in Concord, NC, Denver, NC, Mooresville, NC 

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When Therapy Can Help

 

Our providers are an excellent resource in helping anyone address these issues with a clear plan. 

Therapy can help someone:

• Understand where their people-pleasing patterns developed
• Identify their own needs
• Build confidence
• Learn assertive communication
• Practice setting boundaries
• Manage anxiety surrounding conflict or rejection
• Develop healthier relationship patterns

 

If you understand that you’re people-pleasing but feel unable to stop—even when the pattern is leaving you exhausted, anxious, or resentful—therapy can provide a place to understand the pattern and practice something different.

You Don’t Have to Be Everything to Everyone

You can be a caring person without constantly sacrificing yourself. Saying no means still be a good friend, partner, parent, coworker, or family member. Disappointing someone and still have a healthy relationship with them is possible. 

If you’re tired of constantly putting everyone else first, therapy can help you understand why it’s so difficult to put yourself on the list, too. Miracles Counseling Centers offers therapy for anxiety, self-esteem, relationships, boundaries, and other concerns that can be connected to people-pleasing.