
The Importance of Acceptance
Acceptance. What is the first thing you think of when you hear this word? Now think about the idea of acceptance in reference to something painful from your past. Does it land differently? Does it feel like a futile exercise? If you are like many of my clients, the idea of acceptance can feel bittersweet or downright offensive. Many people assume that accepting something means they also have to approve of it. Unfortunately, this concept often gets conflated in our cultural reference. Ultimately leaving many people ill-equipped to deal with past losses, trauma, and struggles.
Through the course of this article, I hope to bring clarity to the psychological concept of acceptance and the relief it can bring. I will also outline some practical steps to help you in your journey of acceptance. This can help you to continue to experience healing in the areas of your life where a lack of acceptance is keeping you stuck.
Defining Acceptance
Acceptance is not…
To help clarify the act of acceptance, let’s start by defining what it is not. Acceptance is NOT giving up or acquiescing to abuse, trauma, or toxic relationships. It is not weakness nor is it helplessness or hopelessness. Acceptance is not an empty spiritual platitude designed to leave its participants feeling defeated or powerless.
On the contrary, acceptance is a choice, a process chosen by individuals who recognize they are unable to move past a thing because it is not what they wanted it to be. Let me be clear, acceptance is not ignoring painful things or pretending they did not happen. Instead, acceptance is key to psychological, emotional, spiritual, and even physical freedom. Alanon teaches that acceptance is freedom and allows us to problem solve. As long as we resist the unwanted things in our lives, we often exist in a state of denial. This denial creates avoidance, anger, defeat, resentment, and, in extreme cases, disassociation.
**Disclaimer: For those of you who are currently in an abusive or controlling relationship, a victim of domestic violence, fighting a significant health issue, etc., please do not confuse what I am saying here. I am not at all suggesting that we should accept bad things or not advocate for health and change. This article is meant to address those things primarily from our past and present that prevent us from identifying solutions, taking action steps, and healing our emotions in ways that allow us to more fully participate in our present and move toward our future.
Acceptance is…
In simple terms, accepting something is acknowledging that it happened (or is happening) despite your wishes to the contrary. It’s the divorce you didn’t want, the rebelliouskid you raised to be otherwise, the dying loved one, the overlooked promotion at work. When I work with clients who are finding it difficult to move past their narrative that their situation is unfair, unmerited, or unexpected, I often gently introduce the idea of acceptance and help them to explore what this would look like for them.
The principle here is that as long as we resist acceptance, we stay blind to solutions. We are unable to process our related emotions, place healthy boundaries, set expectations, and identify next steps. In other words, without acceptance we cannot move forward into the freedom we all crave. Sometimes the best thing to say to ourselves is this: “It is what it is, despite my desire for it to be otherwise.” This statement can be followed up with questions such as, “What can I do about it? How do I want to learn from this? How do I want to be different? Can I use this experience to potentially help others?”
When to Accept
Identifying when to accept a situation can be incredibly challenging at times. I know from personal experience and from countless sessions with clients over the years that acceptance does not come easily. Acceptance often involves grief because we are coming to terms with some sort of loss and it can be hard to accept this is as our new reality. Sometimes it is the culmination of a long fight. Sometimes it is the place we arrive when dealing with the hurtful decision of another.
The concept of post-traumatic growth is one that is helpful to understanding the role of acceptance. Post-traumatic growth is a decision to learn and grow through significantly stressful or challenging situations. It is a process by which the individual changes in profoundly meaningful ways, often resulting in a greater capacity for compassion, appreciation of life, increased personal strength or insight, deeper spiritual practice, and more intimate relationships. The key to this growth, however, is an individual’s response and subsequent struggle with the hardship in question. Trauma does not, in and of itself, produce post-traumatic growth.
Once I Reach a Place of Acceptance, Then What?
Once an individual comes to terms with a situation and begins accepting, there are several next steps that become possible. Having said that, it is important to note that like grief, acceptance is not necessarily a linear process and there is no precise timeline. Sometimes we are only capable of accepting a portion of something or at least a portion of it at a time.
With acceptance, an individual is then able to:
- Process their related emotions
- Participate in the present
- Identify and set healthy boundaries/expectations
- Recognize needs and wants
- Identify solutions and problem solve
- Take action toward a healthier future
Acceptance Is a Journey
If you are struggling with acceptance, please know you are not alone. Ask yourself if you are stuck emotionally and psychologically because you have been resistant to acceptance. Then ask yourself what acceptance may look like for you in this season of your life. Obtaining support from a clinical therapist or joining a support group specific to your struggle may be an excellent way for you to start.
Written by Sarah Groff, PhD, LCMHCS
Sarah Groff, PhD, LCMHCS has 23 years of experience working with children, adolescents, individuals, couples, and families throughout the life cycle. She is originally from the Pacific Northwest, where she earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Spanish and International Studies and then a Master’s Degree in Counseling, both from George Fox University. I also hold a Doctorate in Developmental Psychology from Liberty University. Sarah works with a wide variety of issues, including self-esteem and body image issues, grief and loss, marriage, divorce, blended families, parental alienation, infertility, and parenting. Additional areas of specialization are adoption and foster care, menopause, narcissistic abuse, and adjustment to issues specific to teens and young adults entering college or adult life.
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